8 | Do you want a hug?
3-way conversation between Brother Nut 坚果兄弟, UBERMORGEN and The Third Sister
亲爱的坚果兄弟：
你想要一个拥抱吗？
昨天在广州，我们有过两次很强烈的拥抱！
不可能之可能——这就是我会怎样描述我们的友谊。
跨越国界、边界、类型、文化、意识形态、技术和历史，我们成为了朋友。
也许甚至是一生的朋友。
我对你充满敬畏。你这个平静而富有同情心的人，与你硬核的野心、目标感，以及你愿意与人、感受、材料、处境、语境、美学、结构与基础设施一起实验的冲动结合在一起——这感觉像兄弟情谊。
这种混合制造了魔法：保持人性，保持谦卑，保持你自己，同时挑战这个世界，并要求人们倾听你所讲述的故事。正是这一点把我们连接起来：在激情和对注意力的渴望上，在决心和行动上。所有这一切，如果没有任何人、任何事物听见它、知道它、感觉到它、看见它，就都没有意义。
昨天我被淹没到他妈的极限了——AF，as fuck。
如果房间里超过一个人，我就无法正常运转。嘈杂的房间会杀死我。当我感觉到、并且认为自己必须同时注意一个以上的人时，对我来说，那就是谵妄 & 灾难……而这又和这个合作计划必须变成现实发生冲撞。在我们这边，在我这边，这也包括家庭，包括我们 UBERMORGEN 这些犯罪同伙，我们这个 crew：Billie、Lola、lizvlx（Liz）和 Luzius。
在你这边，我现在看见并理解：没有伙伴，你也会变成“什么都不是”——我们所有人都是！
你能不能跟我解释一下，怎么会有人认为自己可以在没有任何东西、没有一切、没有他人的情况下，仍然是什么东西？对于自闭症的人，或者情绪高度不稳定的人来说，这本身就是一件巨大的事。它不是自然发生的，它很耗竭，它是工作。能够建立长期关系，这本身就是一种回报，也是一种成功。
昨天，当我看见某些我熟悉、并且一直在挣扎的社会模式时，我注意到自己开始变得悲伤。也许我是在投射。也许我只看见了一些碎片。但我的注意力不断回到房间里关怀、组织和情感劳动似乎被分配的方式。这真的会搞乱我的脑子，并且进一步把我推向过载状态：
我的大脑无法停止注意，也无法停止试图修复那些错误的配置。它会进入循环：我想做点什么，但不知道该怎么做。为了采取行动，我会逃避现实，而这又让我陷入对房间里女性的愧疚感，接着又让我看见自己像是在居高临下地介入 / 照顾别人。于是我又必须把这种感受转化成行动，去做一些我以为可以平衡局面的事……然后如此这般，如此这般……也许你可以想象这个过程，以及其中发生的脑内自我折磨式的 fuckery；而与此同时，我还被期待去注意、去跟上对话。说实话，我做不到，我失败，总是失败。我的认知系统完全超载。Maxxed out。*
除此之外，被邀请进入你的世界、你的朋友圈，感受到你的信任，看见大家对 Billie 和我的开放——在并不知道我们是否值得信任的情况下——这一切都非常美好。我很感激。
让我们一起做点什么。
它会像有机体的融合，也会像一场情感过山车。
把第二天的爱寄给你。
我本来应该明天再寄出这封信，也就是再下一个“第二天”……
UBERMORGEN
这一次没有拥抱，只有文字！
Luzius-
—
Dear Nut Brother
Do you want a hug?
We had two intense hugs yesterday in Guangzhou!
The possibility of the impossible - that is how i would describe our friendship.
Across borders, boundaries, genres, cultures, ideologies, technologies and histories we have become friends.
Maybe even for life.
I am in awe, your calm and sympathetic person, combined with your hardcore ambition and goal orientation, and your willingness to experiment with people, feelings, material, situations, context, aesthetics, and structures & infrastructures feels like brotherhood.
The mix creates the magic, staying human, humble, yourself, while challenging the world and asking for people to listen to the stories you tell, that is what connects us on a passion and attention-seeking level, determination and action. All of this makes no sense without anybody or anything hearing it, knowing about it or feeling and seeing it.
Yesterday i was overwhelmed AF (as fuck) - i am not operating well if there are more than one person in the room, noisy rooms are killing me, when I feel and think that I have to pay attention to more than one person, its delirium & disaster on my end… And that collides with the collaborative venture needing to become real, and on our end, my end, that includes the family, us UBERMORGEN partners in crime, we the crew: Billie, Lola & lizvlx (Liz) & Luzius.
On your end i now see and understand you being ‘nobody’ without partners, we all are!
Can you explain to me how can anybody think that they are something without anything, without everything, and people. For autistic or emotionally highly instable people, this is in itself is a huge thing, and it doesn’t just come natural, its exhausting, its work. Its rewarding and a success in itself if you succeed to build long-term relationships…
Yesterday I noticed myself becoming sad when I saw certain familiar social patterns that I struggle with. Maybe I was projecting. Maybe I was seeing only fragments. But my attention kept returning to the way care, organization and emotional labor seemed distributed in the room. Its something that really fucks with my mind and additionally leads to the state of being overwhelmed:
My brain can not stop paying attention and trying to resolve WRONG configurations, and it goes into loops where i want to do something but don’t know how. To take action I avoid reality, which then loops me into feelings of guilt towards the women in the room, which then leads to me seeing myself as patronizing. So having to leverage this feeling with actions that i think balance the situation out...and so on, and so on… maybe you can imagine the process and brainfucking that happens, and at the same time i am supposed to pay attention and follow the conversation. Honestly i cannot, i fail, ALWAYS. My cognitive system is completely overloaded. Maxxed out.*
That aside, it was wonderful to be invited into your world, your circle of friends, to feel your trust and see the openness towards Billie and me… without knowing if we can be trusted. I appreciate that.
Let us do something together.
It will be like a fusion of organisms, and an emotional roller coaster.
Sending you my love from the day after. I should sent this tomorrow, the day after…
UBERMORGEN
No hugs this time, just words!
Luzius-